Hopping hurdles on the Road from BS to PhD

Born in a middle class Tamil Brahmin family, our asset was our brain and my mother ensured that we made very good use of it. My mother coached myself and my brother to excel in everything we do, may it be school curriculum or extra-curricular activities. She like any other Indian parent, had dreams of seeing her son as an engineer and her daughter as a doctor. My brother fulfilled her dream by becoming a mechanical engineer and to top it, he was the very first in our family to pursue higher studies in US.  

However, when it was my turn, I disappointed her by not qualifying in the medical entrance exam.  I had actually scored the 1100^th rank, however, being born a Brahmin was actually acting against me as only the first 500 could get a medical seat in Open quota. I still remember my downstairs neighbour uncle commenting to my mom, “Don’t you worry; your daughter is eventually going to become a doctor - of philosophy if not of medicine” 

I really don’t know if it was this urge in me to fulfil my mom’s dream that made me pursue my doctoral degree but the road from BS Agriculture to PhD Food Science was worth all the effort, as it taught me the values of kindness, humility, patience, perseverance and above all the will power and necessary ammunition to hop hurdles in the sport called life.    

I got admission into BSc Agriculture with the 1100^th rank I scored in the common entrance exam. I pursued my studies with a strong determination to excel, never looking back at rewriting the Medical Entrance again. I somehow wanted to prove to all those seeking medical seats that there is something more in life that than pursuing careers in set streams of Engineering and Medicine. My hard work paid off as I was the Grade Point Topper bagging 3 Gold medals and a popular all-rounder in campus.  

However my excellent academic record and GPA could not get me funding in any of the MS programs that I got admitted into in the US. Nevertheless, with my brother’s encouragement and support, I started my studies in the MS Food Science program at Kansas State University. Although my brother paid the first semester fees, I worked 20-40 hr/week as a lab assistant cleaning test tubes, taking care of hazardous waste, and helping grad students in their thesis work, to pay towards my living expenses. In due time, I saved enough to not only pay my tuition, pay back my brother but also to go on a holiday with friends.

My perseverance to maintain zero tolerance for mistakes resulted in me getting straight A (4.0/4.0 GPA) in my MS program, and a partial research fellowship in my MS program for the following semesters and a fellowship to purse PhD at one of the premier institutes for food science at UW-Madison, WI. As I was basking in the sun thinking that my good times had started, I completely overlooked the dark storm that was just waiting round the corner to pounce on me. 

My MS thesis committee failed me in my Thesis Defence. It was a blow to my conscience, especially for one that had a straight A all through her life. The reason given was a poorly written Thesis and unfortunately, there was no support coming from my mentor whose job was to correct my thesis. I felt very lonely and helpless for the very first time and saw my future vanishing right in front of my eyes. Because, if I don’t get my MS degree on time, the PhD fellowship at UW Madison would be given to next available candidate.

However, like in the fairy tale Cinderella, I too was blessed with a fairy God Father in the form of a senior Meat Science Professor by the name Dr. Kropf. I don’t know if it was my continued excellence in the department, or the fact that I was his favourite student, or that he was a UW Madison alumni, he stood for me in front of my committee in a faculty meeting and fought my case, even though he was not my advisor or part of my thesis committee. Since Christmas holidays were just few days away, the committee agreed to review my thesis if resubmitted within a week. I worked day and night to rewrite my thesis and all through this ordeal, Dr. Kropf selflessly took time to edit my thesis and guide me, so I can deliver a well written thesis and graduate in time.

This experience made me realize that life is always full of surprises and we should never lose hope! Good will always happen to those who believe in themselves. Since then until now, I am actually carrying the “Baton” of goodwill that Dr. Kropf so kindly showered on me.  Never do I relent in extending my hand as a mentor or a friend to anyone in need, may it be in my professional or personal life. I especially don’t want any person to go through feelings of sheer helplessness as I felt that fateful day.

Coming to UW Madison for my PhD program was a haven after my experiences at Kansas State. The program was completely paid for with full assistantship. I had a wonderful mentor, and earned some of the best friendships. It was a great University with excellent student services that allowed me to explore many new activities (rock climbing, sailing, skiing, dancing, trekking, tennis) independently. It was as if I was reliving my life just like the heroine in Titanic who survived her death in the ocean and wanted to live (not exist) every moment of her life. My time at Madison was one of the best in my entire stay in the US.  Do you think I would have appreciated all of that the way I did, if I had fewer hurdles to hop at Kansas State?

However graduate life was not a bed of roses at Madison as well. After 2 years of working on my PhD thesis, the funds ran dry and my Professor changed my project completely to a new one. I had to start from square one all over again. It was 2 years of lost work! However with all that I had to go through earlier, I sprinted forward with optimism and graduated in almost 6 years (another 4 years) with a patent up my sleeve and 2 publications. It was a roller coaster but was again all worth it.

Facing adversity or in other words, hopping hurdles in life have actually shaped the person I am today. I have the confidence that no matter what happens, I can give my best and survive any adversity in life.  Our steadfast determination as a family to make it happen after relocating to India, and not regret our decision is another example of how hopping hurdles can bring the best in you and lead you through the road of success.

Marriage - seeking the perpetual friend..

All of you who are married, or who is looking to get married, am sure will agree that apart from all the other qualities, an important quality you look for in your spouse is that of a friend. 

Friendship is a very hard relationship to define. A real friend is like finding a true diamond amongst the rocks and finding a true friend is quite a difficult task. Once you find a friend, he/she is a treasure who cannot afford to lose.  There is a sense of security when you are with a friend. 

Children going to daycare and schools, outside their home territory, are often exposed to insecurities of being included or excluded by a group or individual. They are seeking a friend like their parent outside of home with whom they can feel secure. It is sometimes after a lot of heart ache that they tend to settle down with their groups of friends (if they are lucky). Of all the friends she has in daycare, school and our building, my daughter has one individual at each location that she identifies as a friend. Recently, when I left work and pulled the kids off the daycare, my daughter insisted that she continues the drawing class she used to attend at daycare. Only upon discussion I understood that she actually wanted to make sure she met her best friend from daycare at least once a week. When this friend couldn’t come to her birthday party recently, her mom called me specially to tell me that her daughter was very sad she couldn’t come for the party and that we should meet often for play-dates as their friendships are too precious to be lost. I totally agreed and intend to bring them together so their friendships can blossom. There is a special relationship and loyalty that comes with friendships that words cannot describe.

Similarly, as we grow into adults, the journey of seeking a friend doesn’t stop. From school to college to workplace, we are always making new friendships, breaking old ones or moving on to another. I still remember the autograph book when I graduated from my 10^th class; all my male classmates had addressed me as “Dear Sister Vidya”…. Better to be safe J than sorry I guess. Through out my graduate program, I had bunch of friends both boys and girls, but until the facebook invention recently I only remember being in touch with girl-friends more than boy-friends in my life. What I noticed is that when the boys who are friends get married, they vanish from the “friendship” platform even if the girl is truly seeking to continue their friendship. Well, until a girl friend gets married and settled or becomes healthy with kids (not the skinny kind), she is always a threat to a boy-friend. Even the girl friends, after marriage, hardly have any time for you. They are busy with their new lives playing new roles of wives, mothers, and daughter in-laws that they forget you exist. Guys hardly talk after marriage. However girl friends remember you when they need you as a friend to download their problems or talk about issues that they can’t talk with their spouses. 

In my life, I have made many friends, but because I have been on the move either for studies or for family, it has always been hard keeping in touch with old friends and we have lost the magic we once shared. In India I was protected and cared for by family that friendships played a secondary role. However, when I moved to the US, I realized how important friendships are, especially to survive the storm we encounter on a daily basis in an alien country. 

I literally survived on friendships and treasured each of the relationships as friends truly go out of the way to help you do the best in life. I remember many such instances when a friend came to the rescue that even a family member would think twice to do. Kiran was my very first friend in the US (other than family), whom I used to stay with initially. She encouraged me to look for a department that can fund me for my MS program. She hosted me for 2 months without rent in her apartment, fed and took care of me like a big sister. If not for Vamsi (her husband) who encouraged me to look in Food Science department I would not have a career in Food Science. I owe them a lot for their friendship. However with the various moves in life, even though we tried to keep in touch by phone and email, we have lost touch now. Similarly, there are many good friends who have been there for me throughout my life, and I cherish each of their friendships. However, communication over the phone, email is not as continuous as when you interact in person in one location. And they remain as Facebook/Email friends whom you meet occasionally. 

In any new place, you put in a lot of time identifying a friend, and giving a lot of time to develop and nurture the friendship all over again. Yet again, if the friend leaves, gets married or you leave the location, you will find yourself lonely again. The cycle continues and there will be a time when you start looking for a “Perpetual Friend” who will not leave you again!  One of my close friends told me that she became serious about hunting for a soul mate or husband when her mom, her closest friend, was diagnosed with cancer. She actually was desperate to find another friend she could depend on and share her life with other than her mom who may not be there for her all the time. 

Many of you, who have found true friends, would know how difficult it is to find a friend let alone the daunting task of finding that friend in your spouse.  People who marry through arranged marriage fixed by parents who look at stars and horoscope have to literally depend on stars or sheer luck to find a friend in their spouse. When my mom started hunting grooms for me after seeing horoscopes and family background, I made sure I hunt for the “friend” who will not leave me - rain or shine. Many of my US friends, who find their spouses after considerable time dating, find it difficult to understand that I found my hubby, Sridhar after 1-2 months of interaction over phone and internet. We were quasi arranged as we found each other in a matrimonial site and notified each other’s parents once we found each other. 

When I married Sridhar, it was not easy to believe that he will remain my true friend for life. However, I did see potential in him that would make him my “Perpetual friend”. His first act of friendship was to move from Sunny California and his favorite city, San Francisco to cold country Madison, WI where your eyelashes could freeze, just so I continue my PhD program. Of course, in reciprocation, I have been moving around with him around the globe. Over the time, since he is also played the roles of spouse, father, son and in-law, the road of friendship has been bumpy with its ups and downs. However, not many times have I felt a need for another friend to download my issues or seek advise. And after living for 14 years I can confidently say that I have gained a good friend over the years and have surely vested in right place. 

My two cents to all the folks out there searching for their soul mates is to go with your gut feeling.  If you see potential in a person to be your true friend, don’t lose time to propose. Life is too short to wait for the right moment. And for those already married, remember to be a friend more than anything else to your spouse. Listen and give them their space, respect their individuality and last but not least, don’t take them for granted! The time and effort you put into this friendship will last for a lifetime! And mark my words, it is worth all the effort.

Mother - the epitome of love

Today in the daily newspaper, I read an article where Swami Parthasarathy defines attachment as the most distinguishing characteristic of humans, unlike animals. He defines attachment to wealth, power and family (spouse, children) as a disease that is worse than AIDS and cancer. Attachment is typically mistaken for love, but actually it is love along with selfishness. 

This article made me think about the meaning of love in the context of motherhood as I always believed that mothers are the ones that are capable of loving their offspring and not be selfish about it. Is mother’s love truly selfless? Or do mothers also suffer from the deadly disease of attachment?

I believe that mother truly is an epitome or in other words, a perfect example of love. I am sure many of you reading this will agree with me that mothers exemplify selfless love.  From the day the baby is conceived till it is born, and nurtured to be the beautiful or handsome youth or the middle aged or aged person, a mother’s love never stops. 

All through my childhood, my mother was right beside me during all my asthma attacks, and bronchitis, relentlessly trying to find that magic cure by taking me to various doctors and naturo-pathy practitioners. Although she knew she will be left all alone in India, she let go of me and my brother to pursue higher studies abroad. When we decided to move back to India, it was she who said we should think otherwise, not really thinking about herself during her old age.  Even now, she can detect if I am sad, ill or unhappy just by talking to me on the phone. That is the magic of mother’s love that is irreplaceable.  

Being a mom myself with my own family to provide for, seldom do I notice that nobody really cares as much as a mom does. For example, only when my mom is visiting, I get asked whether I had my coffee or my breakfast before I head out to work. I get my lunch packed with a variety of fruits, salad and nutritious snacks along with a sumptuous menu. Sometimes, she will not shy in literally feeding me from hand to mouth, my breakfast if I am in a hurry getting out the door. It is a simple truth in that, a mother’s heart goes all out for its offspring, and she does this out of pure love, no strings attached. 

One of my colleagues quoted an example of mom’s love as he saw it unfolding in the train tracks of Mumbai. It was pouring rain, and three rag pickers had only 2 cups of tea. The mother was holding on to a full cup while the son was sharing his entire cup with his son (her grandson). All the while, the mother was muttering and in the end scolded her son to have shared all his tea and urged him to drink her cup before it gets cold, not even caring if her tummy goes hungry. 

Providing for your offspring in a selfless manner, at the cost of your own health is a universal characteristic of mothers in general.  My servant maid’s sister recently was hospitalized for a week for kidney stone complications. She had grown so weak and staying at her sister’s would have helped with her recovery. However, after one day of her discharge, she heads home to cater to her 10 and 14 year old sons who were actually taking care of themselves quite well.  

How many times have you gone without breakfast in the morning, only thinking about your kids, and spouse’s needs? Another friend once told me that only when she was diagnosed with cancer that her dying friend realized how much she missed out of life, for she hardly took care of herself, multitasking as a mother, wife and the VP of a company at the same time. 

A very senior colleague of mine once praised his wife as the person who is the center of his family’s strength and unity, without whom he or his family wouldn’t be what he/they are today. He elaborated that they live in a modest two bedroom apartment with their two sons, two daughters in laws and 1 grandson. I was awestruck for I thought my three bedroom rental was just enough for us and any guests who will visit us. My colleague and wife sleep in the living room with the grandson, while the bedrooms are given to their children. The grandma cooks for the entire family, makes their lunch boxes, and provides for their every need, while the daughter in laws worked during the week. I am sure they help out, however, when he told me that the day she falls sick, dinner is ordered from outside, I realized how important her role is in the family. She was indeed the epitome of love, her selfless service towards her family truly was the reason they were all living under one roof, a rarity not found in many households of today. 

As children grow up, and start having a family of their own, mother’s love is actually depicted in many comedies as the unwelcome thorn in any married couple’s life. Classic example is that of the American series, “Everybody loves Raymond” where the story revolves around the Italian mom who loves her son Raymond so much that she practically lives in his house or her in hers (they are neighbors). Soap operas in regional languages in India have one common theme and that is to make fun of the never ending drama between “Mother in law and daughter in laws” in general. 

For couples living abroad away from parents, the one blessing in disguise is that the mothers of the spouses are not going to be living anywhere close to influence their lives. Today’s generation has gotten used to living alone either abroad or in nuclear family setting that they have lost the one quality that older generation had loads of, and that is patience or tolerance to elders, especially mothers and grandmothers of their spouses. On contrary, the father or grandfather of the spouse tends to be more accepted within the family.  

As a young mother, I believe that we have the unique capability of loving unconditionally. However,  we just need to remind ourselves to love and not mistake it with attachment. We also need to

           Take care of our self, for the healthier we are, the longer we will be with our loved one.

·         Live our lives to the fullest for the happier we are, the more positive energy we will exude.

·         Free the pigeon from the cage when the time comes and not expect it fly back.