All of you who are married, or who is looking to get married,
am sure will agree that apart from all the other qualities, an important
quality you look for in your spouse is that of a friend.
Friendship is a very hard relationship to define. A real
friend is like finding a true diamond amongst the rocks and finding a true friend is quite a
difficult task. Once you find a friend, he/she is a treasure who cannot afford
to lose. There is a sense of security
when you are with a friend.
Children going to daycare and schools, outside their home
territory, are often exposed to insecurities of being included or excluded by a
group or individual. They are seeking a friend like their parent outside of
home with whom they can feel secure. It is sometimes after a lot of heart ache that
they tend to settle down with their groups of friends (if they are lucky). Of
all the friends she has in daycare, school and our building, my daughter has one
individual at each location that she identifies as a friend. Recently, when
I left work and pulled the kids off the daycare, my daughter insisted that she
continues the drawing class she used to attend at daycare. Only upon discussion
I understood that she actually wanted to make sure she met her best friend from
daycare at least once a week. When this friend couldn’t come to her birthday
party recently, her mom called me specially to tell me that her daughter was
very sad she couldn’t come for the party and that we should meet often for play-dates
as their friendships are too precious to be lost. I totally agreed and intend
to bring them together so their friendships can blossom. There is a special
relationship and loyalty that comes with friendships that words cannot
describe.
Similarly, as we grow into adults, the journey of seeking a
friend doesn’t stop. From school to college to workplace, we are always making new
friendships, breaking old ones or moving on to another. I still remember the
autograph book when I graduated from my 10th class; all my male
classmates had addressed me as “Dear Sister Vidya”…. Better to be safe J than sorry I guess. Through
out my graduate program, I had bunch of friends both boys and girls, but until
the facebook invention recently I only remember being in touch with girl-friends
more than boy-friends in my life. What I noticed is that when the boys who are
friends get married, they vanish from the “friendship” platform even if the
girl is truly seeking to continue their friendship. Well, until a girl friend
gets married and settled or becomes healthy with kids (not the skinny kind),
she is always a threat to a boy-friend. Even the girl friends, after marriage,
hardly have any time for you. They are busy with their new lives playing new
roles of wives, mothers, and daughter in-laws that they forget you exist. Guys
hardly talk after marriage. However girl friends remember you when they need you
as a friend to download their problems or talk about issues that they can’t
talk with their spouses.
In my life, I have made many friends, but because I have
been on the move either for studies or for family, it has always been hard
keeping in touch with old friends and we have lost the magic we once shared. In
India I was protected and cared for by family that friendships played a
secondary role. However, when I moved to the US, I realized how important
friendships are, especially to survive the storm we encounter on a daily basis
in an alien country.
I literally survived on friendships and treasured each of
the relationships as friends truly go out of the way to help you do the best in
life. I remember many such instances when a friend came to the rescue that even
a family member would think twice to do. Kiran was my very first friend in the
US (other than family), whom I used to stay with initially. She encouraged me
to look for a department that can fund me for my MS program. She hosted me for
2 months without rent in her apartment, fed and took care of me like a big
sister. If not for Vamsi (her husband) who encouraged me to look in Food
Science department I would not have a career in Food Science. I owe them a lot
for their friendship. However with the various moves in life, even though we tried
to keep in touch by phone and email, we have lost touch now. Similarly, there
are many good friends who have been there for me throughout my life, and I
cherish each of their friendships. However, communication over the phone, email
is not as continuous as when you interact in person in one location. And they
remain as Facebook/Email friends whom you meet occasionally.
In any new place, you put in a lot of time identifying a
friend, and giving a lot of time to develop and nurture the friendship all over
again. Yet again, if the friend leaves, gets married or you leave the location,
you will find yourself lonely again. The cycle continues and there will be a
time when you start looking for a “Perpetual Friend” who will not leave you
again! One of my close friends told me
that she became serious about hunting for a soul mate or husband when her mom,
her closest friend, was diagnosed with cancer. She actually was desperate to
find another friend she could depend on and share her life with other than her
mom who may not be there for her all the time.
Many of you, who have found true friends, would know how
difficult it is to find a friend let alone the daunting task of finding that friend in your spouse. People who marry through arranged marriage
fixed by parents who look at stars and horoscope have to literally depend on stars
or sheer luck to find a friend in their spouse. When my mom started hunting
grooms for me after seeing horoscopes and family background, I made sure I hunt
for the “friend” who will not leave me - rain or shine. Many of my US friends, who
find their spouses after considerable time dating, find it difficult to
understand that I found my hubby, Sridhar after 1-2 months of interaction over phone
and internet. We were quasi arranged as we found each other in a matrimonial
site and notified each other’s parents once we found each other.
When I married Sridhar, it was not easy to believe that he will remain my true friend for life. However, I did see potential in him that would
make him my “Perpetual friend”. His first act of friendship was to move from Sunny California and his favorite city, San Francisco to cold country
Madison, WI where your eyelashes could freeze, just so I continue my PhD program. Of course, in
reciprocation, I have been moving around with him around the globe. Over the time, since he is also played the roles of spouse, father, son and in-law, the road of friendship has been bumpy with its ups and downs. However, not many times have I felt a need for another friend to download my issues or seek advise. And after
living for 14 years I can confidently say that I
have gained a good friend over the years and have surely vested in right place.
My two cents to all the folks out there searching for their
soul mates is to go with your gut feeling. If you see potential in a person to be your
true friend, don’t lose time to propose. Life is too short to wait for the
right moment. And for those already married, remember to be a friend more than anything else
to your spouse. Listen and give them their space, respect their individuality and last but
not least, don’t take them for granted! The time and effort you put into this
friendship will last for a lifetime! And mark my words, it is worth all the effort.
