The common question I get from friends and family is how I feel about moving back to India, now that it has been 2 years since our move. Many are genuinely surprised that we chose to leave, because they have come across folks who move only due to necessity. Either because they couldn't make it well in US due to job security, or their visa expired. We had US work permits, well paying jobs, owned our home, basically living the American dream so to speak.
Bringing up our kids (especially girls) in India and be closer to aged parents (who couldn't settle in US for various reasons) were our two big reasons for our move. Close friends and family who have struggled with us to obtain this American dream tried hard to convince us otherwise with various ways of overcoming these issues. There were many examples provided about raising kids abroad without loosing Indian identity. I intend to write my thoughts about ABCD (American Born Confused Desis (Indians)) at a later time. Today I wanted to talk about choosing to be close to aged parents.
As a parent, I understand the feeling of unconditional love any parent has towards an offspring. This selfless love is what drives a parent to spend every penny of their hard earned life earnings on their kids so they can study abroad and make the American (London/Any city abroad) dream come true.
Parents are the most hardest equations in our lives across the board. The experiences of parents of NRIs who get permits to live abroad with their kids, is very similar to a roller coaster or marriage. The first few years are the best. You get to visit places, help kids raising grand-kids, help out with household chores etc. Later as age and ailments increase, parents are physically and mentally tired of the routine, feel they are no longer useful for their kids, they feel sorry that kids have to bear huge medical expenses on their behalf, experience a life of fish out of water living in boring suburbs missing the lively culture and community back at home. They start existing not living counting their days of existence or make things very difficult for people living with them. Some parents realize it sooner and choose to not migrate abroad.
Kids start finding alternate homes for their loving parents. For kids living abroad in western cultures, it is very common to see parents living alone or in old age homes. In India, with the increase in nuclear families, and the growing concept of "give us our personal space" especially in homes with live-in parents who love to advise (in other words interfere), we are seeing more parents residing in old age homes.
The growth of retirement homes (private or charity) in India is a direct affect of this phenomenon. These homes cater to that population of senior citizens who cannot take care of themselves because they are old, sick, lonely or orphaned by their own. Children who are too busy to or cannot (due to the continental divide) take care of their aging parents have a sense of security that their parents will be happy and healthy in Retirement homes where there is 24/7 care.
I recently visited a retirement home in Pune run by a Sikh missionary as part of our company community service. It was not a high end community living, but was a very good facility that had all the amenities a retirement home would provide, a classic example I had always heard about from my mom but had a chance to visit for the very first time.
There were nurses or providers who cooked, cleaned and took care of the old, diseased and healthy senior citizens. There were private and public wards (rooms with many beds/cots). Private rooms catered to the ones who could afford it, could have 1-3 beds (depends on the funds), while Public rooms (10-20 beds/room) were for individuals who come with nothing (no funds). Male and Female wards were separate, with a community room for activities, temple within the premises for worship, special wards for sick patients (critical ones that need hospitalization) and 24/7 nursing station. The place was very clean, with a mess that catered food to seniors to their rooms and the care givers were the most self less I have ever seen.
We had visited the home to meet with people, socialize and also conducted a karoeke where we invited folks to sing and share their talent. Couple of them sang (one of them was completely blind), there was a poet amongst us whose poetry was philosophical, and in general they were entertained. However, there was this unspoken vacuum, a melancholy, a feeling of being very lonely (orphaned), and sheer helplessness. More than the music and entertainment, the most they cherished was the simple fact that we came to visit and spend time with them, listened to their experiences, taking time from our busy schedules. They remembered their kids and their grand kids when they saw us.
I spoke to very few who really opened up (most of them are quiet, with a quaint smile) and their stories were very moving. There was a lady (Punjabi) who was hard at speaking due to a recent throat operation. She said that she had so many kids, and grand kids (Nani hoon, Pernani hoon) living in Mumbai (nearby metro city) but yearns to see them as no one comes to see her. She was with her kids taking care of them, but now that she has many health issues, the kids have chosen to send her here. She lived in a shared 3 person private ward. Her possesions were a small cupboard for clothes and personal things. She told us that the caregiver takes care of her more than her son and always wonders why God is testing her.
Another lady told us that she has three sons but chose to come to the home on her own accord as she did not want to be dependent on them. She seemed very healthy, lives in the public ward (unfunded). Although she never complained, she also never really smiled and found the same melancholy in her eyes of being orphaned as no one really visits her as well. She told us that very few seniors have visitors come to see them, even though many are from Pune!
One of my collegues had brought her two year old son who was playing around and the joy that this little one brought into the eyes of the seniors was worth a million. Some tried to play with him, some tried to carry him, their eyes always watching his every move.We sang songs from mid 50s and 60s and some songs brought back memories of times spent with their better halves.
There was a writing by a Sikh Saint that summarized the entire experience. It was written very beautifully about how selfish children have become that we leave our parents all alone in their sickness and old age, and think twice about changing his/her bed pan when the same parent changed our wet diaper (innumerable times), and never even thought about leaving our side in sickness or health.
Many of us, I agree, may be genuinely helpless with regards to taking care of parents. But for those who have a way, please don't hesitate to be the game changer. Remember that we have grown up in a culture where grandparents used to live with us, so why can't we make "space" for our own parents in our lives? Maybe it would be a very good opportunity to teach our kids the values of humanity (love, respect for elders); family traditions and the art of patience that many of our new age children lack.
I am sure parents too love their independence as they can do what they want, when they want and don't want to burden us with more responsibility.However, when they can't fend for themselves or they are just too lonely, a simple gesture that our homes and hearts are always open when they need us is enough to make their day. Having them living with us in our homes or visiting them often if they are staying nearby (next door, same colony, same city) gives them the assurance that they are not alone, and can count on us.
There is a reason parents are called dependents, and that is because they are no different from children. They yearn for the same unconditional love and trust that you give your kids assuring them that you are there for them no matter what happens.
I hope I was able to convince you that you will think twice or even thrice before you make a decision to have your parents live alone in a retirement home....
Bringing up our kids (especially girls) in India and be closer to aged parents (who couldn't settle in US for various reasons) were our two big reasons for our move. Close friends and family who have struggled with us to obtain this American dream tried hard to convince us otherwise with various ways of overcoming these issues. There were many examples provided about raising kids abroad without loosing Indian identity. I intend to write my thoughts about ABCD (American Born Confused Desis (Indians)) at a later time. Today I wanted to talk about choosing to be close to aged parents.
As a parent, I understand the feeling of unconditional love any parent has towards an offspring. This selfless love is what drives a parent to spend every penny of their hard earned life earnings on their kids so they can study abroad and make the American (London/Any city abroad) dream come true.
Parents are the most hardest equations in our lives across the board. The experiences of parents of NRIs who get permits to live abroad with their kids, is very similar to a roller coaster or marriage. The first few years are the best. You get to visit places, help kids raising grand-kids, help out with household chores etc. Later as age and ailments increase, parents are physically and mentally tired of the routine, feel they are no longer useful for their kids, they feel sorry that kids have to bear huge medical expenses on their behalf, experience a life of fish out of water living in boring suburbs missing the lively culture and community back at home. They start existing not living counting their days of existence or make things very difficult for people living with them. Some parents realize it sooner and choose to not migrate abroad.
Kids start finding alternate homes for their loving parents. For kids living abroad in western cultures, it is very common to see parents living alone or in old age homes. In India, with the increase in nuclear families, and the growing concept of "give us our personal space" especially in homes with live-in parents who love to advise (in other words interfere), we are seeing more parents residing in old age homes.
The growth of retirement homes (private or charity) in India is a direct affect of this phenomenon. These homes cater to that population of senior citizens who cannot take care of themselves because they are old, sick, lonely or orphaned by their own. Children who are too busy to or cannot (due to the continental divide) take care of their aging parents have a sense of security that their parents will be happy and healthy in Retirement homes where there is 24/7 care.
I recently visited a retirement home in Pune run by a Sikh missionary as part of our company community service. It was not a high end community living, but was a very good facility that had all the amenities a retirement home would provide, a classic example I had always heard about from my mom but had a chance to visit for the very first time.
There were nurses or providers who cooked, cleaned and took care of the old, diseased and healthy senior citizens. There were private and public wards (rooms with many beds/cots). Private rooms catered to the ones who could afford it, could have 1-3 beds (depends on the funds), while Public rooms (10-20 beds/room) were for individuals who come with nothing (no funds). Male and Female wards were separate, with a community room for activities, temple within the premises for worship, special wards for sick patients (critical ones that need hospitalization) and 24/7 nursing station. The place was very clean, with a mess that catered food to seniors to their rooms and the care givers were the most self less I have ever seen.
We had visited the home to meet with people, socialize and also conducted a karoeke where we invited folks to sing and share their talent. Couple of them sang (one of them was completely blind), there was a poet amongst us whose poetry was philosophical, and in general they were entertained. However, there was this unspoken vacuum, a melancholy, a feeling of being very lonely (orphaned), and sheer helplessness. More than the music and entertainment, the most they cherished was the simple fact that we came to visit and spend time with them, listened to their experiences, taking time from our busy schedules. They remembered their kids and their grand kids when they saw us.
I spoke to very few who really opened up (most of them are quiet, with a quaint smile) and their stories were very moving. There was a lady (Punjabi) who was hard at speaking due to a recent throat operation. She said that she had so many kids, and grand kids (Nani hoon, Pernani hoon) living in Mumbai (nearby metro city) but yearns to see them as no one comes to see her. She was with her kids taking care of them, but now that she has many health issues, the kids have chosen to send her here. She lived in a shared 3 person private ward. Her possesions were a small cupboard for clothes and personal things. She told us that the caregiver takes care of her more than her son and always wonders why God is testing her.
Another lady told us that she has three sons but chose to come to the home on her own accord as she did not want to be dependent on them. She seemed very healthy, lives in the public ward (unfunded). Although she never complained, she also never really smiled and found the same melancholy in her eyes of being orphaned as no one really visits her as well. She told us that very few seniors have visitors come to see them, even though many are from Pune!
One of my collegues had brought her two year old son who was playing around and the joy that this little one brought into the eyes of the seniors was worth a million. Some tried to play with him, some tried to carry him, their eyes always watching his every move.We sang songs from mid 50s and 60s and some songs brought back memories of times spent with their better halves.
There was a writing by a Sikh Saint that summarized the entire experience. It was written very beautifully about how selfish children have become that we leave our parents all alone in their sickness and old age, and think twice about changing his/her bed pan when the same parent changed our wet diaper (innumerable times), and never even thought about leaving our side in sickness or health.
Many of us, I agree, may be genuinely helpless with regards to taking care of parents. But for those who have a way, please don't hesitate to be the game changer. Remember that we have grown up in a culture where grandparents used to live with us, so why can't we make "space" for our own parents in our lives? Maybe it would be a very good opportunity to teach our kids the values of humanity (love, respect for elders); family traditions and the art of patience that many of our new age children lack.
I am sure parents too love their independence as they can do what they want, when they want and don't want to burden us with more responsibility.However, when they can't fend for themselves or they are just too lonely, a simple gesture that our homes and hearts are always open when they need us is enough to make their day. Having them living with us in our homes or visiting them often if they are staying nearby (next door, same colony, same city) gives them the assurance that they are not alone, and can count on us.
There is a reason parents are called dependents, and that is because they are no different from children. They yearn for the same unconditional love and trust that you give your kids assuring them that you are there for them no matter what happens.
I hope I was able to convince you that you will think twice or even thrice before you make a decision to have your parents live alone in a retirement home....
vidya I truly agree with your views. hope this can bring some sort of change somewhere in someones life. viji
ReplyDeleteBeing away from parents myself, I can totally relate to this. In life, everything is a result of choices we make, some are easy, some aren't. Personally, I ask myself, " What do I want to see when I look back at my life" and it is always precious happy moments with my loved ones - family and friends - and that helps me through my decisions, both short term and long term. I know of cases where neither the children nor the parents are happy staying away from each other, but they do it ( sometimes there is really no concrete reason other than complacency!) if only people could take a step back, reflect, and get their priorities right!
ReplyDeleteAfter seeing the retirement home, my resolution to take care of our elders is stronger... the least we can give them is the security that we are here for them in their old age. We should be examples to our future generation.. emulating Indian culture instead of Western..
ReplyDelete