Moving back to India - The equation of children

Our move to India has a lot to do with how and where we want our children to be brought up for their equation in our lives has always been close to our hearts.

Salmons migrate to their natal springs every time they want to breed. They overcome hurdles to swim upstream from the ocean to river beds so they can spawn exactly at the same location they were born. Birds are also known to migrate every year to their set breeding grounds. What is it in that birthplace that is so special? Is it the security of familiar grounds? So, by moving back to India, I am following suit to nature’s call? We actually moved back when the eldest was still 4 years old, an age at which she is still flexible enough to adapt to new society, culture and upbringing. 

Apart from the fact that we wanted our kids to be closer to grandparents, and Indian culture, moving back was an incentive to provide my kids the opportunity to learn key lessons of survival and life that I had learnt growing up in India which cannot be learnt anywhere else. 

Let me quote some anecdotes from my childhood and student life that will help you understand what I mean by this.

Value of Education

We call our spouses our better halves. What should we call our children? Are they our mirror images? Do we live our dreams through them? My mother truly lived her dream through us. 

Born in a middle class Tamil Brahmin family, our asset was our brain and my mother ensured that we made very good use of it. There was a reason behind this, and that was to fulfill her dream of giving us the highest education one could ever get. Born as the eldest, although she excelled in school, she couldn’t pursue higher studies after her 10^th grade as she let her brother continue (could afford to send only one sibling to college).  Her story has always inspired me that being a girl should NOT stop me from seeking what I want in life. 

My mother coached myself and my brother to excel in everything we do, may it be school curriculum or extra-curricular activities. Growing up, I was scared showing my report card to my mom if I came 2^nd in class, or missed the 1^st rank by few marks, for my mom expected nothing less than the best. I still have fond memories of her disciplinary behavior that I had to really work hard to earn my treat.  She would promise me a “5 star chocolate bar” only if I stood 1^st in class. 

Have we ever thought why don’t we think about giving our kids such high standards to achieve? Why do we relent into giving them a chocolate or anything they want as soon as they throw a tantrum or ask for it? Why do we make it so easy for them? 

My mom’s expectations were not only in studies but in any activity we partake, may it be dance, music, debate, elocution, memory contest, quiz competition, sports, you name it and we would try to be one of the best. Eventually, this need to be the best amongst severe competition became our second nature and we no longer needed mom to help us excel. My brother was the topper in his 10^th grade and eventually was the very first in our family to go to US for higher studies with full assistantship.

I followed suit by being the topper, all rounder and gold medalist throughout my student life.  When I failed to qualify for medical seat after writing the common entrance exam, it was my mother who broke down.   My brother became the engineer she dreamed about, however, I failed to fulfill her other dream of becoming the doctor she wanted me to be.  My downstairs neighbor Uncle told her that day, “Don’t you worry; your daughter is eventually going to become a doctor - of philosophy if not of medicine”.  

I really don’t know if this was what made me pursue my doctoral degree or the fact that I heard my mom argue with my brother that it is better to get me married than to let me pursue my PhD, as I would end up in the kitchen as a housewife no matter what!  Whether I wanted to prove it to her or myself, I don’t know, whatever it was, the road from kindergarten to PhD was worth all the effort, as it taught me the value of humility, patience, perseverance and above all the will power to complete what I started.   

Humble beginnings – Value of hardship

My dad was a secretary to CEO of a company, and provided a modest living for his family. Even though he started earning in the gulf during most of our childhood, he used to give my mom a monthly allowance that was used in providing for us. We used to live in our own apartment with all comforts. However, we had our ground rules to follow. Food was never wasted, everything was given in moderation. My very first birthday party with a cake was celebrated when I was 10 years of age and I remember going to the city to buy my cake.  We used to go the city market to buy vegetables and fruits at a good price, and carry them back in heavy bags, walking by foot and taking public transport (bus) home. That was usually a whole day’s activity. 

When we rented in the city, there was always a line for drinking water due to water scarcity, and mom and I used to climb stairs to to fill drums with water (as we lived in 2^nd floor and the water line was downstairs).  After moving to our own house, there was no water scarcity as the colony had a borewell. However we were living in quite a remote place where there was no public transport. So, in the beginning, we used to walk a mile or two to take the train and walk a mile or two again to reach school from the train station. Once bus services started, we used to change 2-3 buses and walk by foot to go to school. Taking a auto rickshaw was a luxury in those days and cost a lot of money, so we rather get up early and take the bus.    

For my coaching classes in 12^th grade, I used to take the bus at 4:30 AM, go to the other side of city by changing 2-3 buses for a 6:30 AM class. After class, I used to attend college from 10 AM to 6 PM in my side of town, and reach home at 7 PM, more than 12 hours from home. This was for an entire year; all to attain a medical seat that I failed to qualify. 

My brother owned a bicycle that he used to use to ride to school.  Once he left to college, I used the same bicycle to run errands around home, and love riding it just for breath of fresh air in the mornings. We never owned a car, as it was a luxury, cost a lot of money and we could live without.  

Vacations were once a year during Summer when my dad visited us from gulf, to South of India, and always by train, that too in second class Non AC coaches.  I visited Delhi, the capital of India, and the Taj Mahal, both in the North of India for the very first time after marriage while I was in the US.   Even now my mom travels by second class Non AC and 3 Tier AC coaches.  Recently she enjoyed her very first travel in 2 tier AC coach for which she thanked me to have bought her the ticket as she would never have thought of spending that money on herself. Apart from my dad who used to travel to gulf by flight, my brother, mother and myself travelled for the very first time by flight when we went to the US. 

My first semester in the US was the most hardest, for I did not have a waiver ship.  My brother paid the fees, but I worked 20 hr/week during spring semester and 40 hrs/week during summer to earn by living. Working as a lab assistant included cleaning test tubes, taking care of hazardous waste, and helping grad students in their thesis work.  There was this one graduate student I used to help who was disabled and bitter, that made my life very difficult, as he would have me work odd hours, and remind me that he was the boss. But working with him taught me the value of patience and how sincerity towards work can make people believe in you. As classic PIG (poor Indian Graduate) I worked throughout my MS, saved enough to pay back my brother and go on trips to see places with friends. My perseverance to maintain zero tolerance for mistakes resulted in me getting straight A (4.0/4.0 GPA) in my MS, and a seat in PhD program in UW-Madison, WI. 

However, my MS committee rejected my thesis as it was poorly written (my mentor hardly read the thesis). If not for the timely help of this angel by the name Dr. Kropf who was a senior Professor in the department, UW Madison alumni, I would not have graduated or continued in my PhD program. My continued excellence in the department, and the fact that I was his favorite student, he stood for me in front of the committee in a staff meeting (he was not even my mentor) and made them to agree to review my thesis if resubmitted within a week. He then took time along with another graduate student to edit my thesis so I can graduate in time. His help made me realize that life is always full of surprises and we should never lose hope! Good will always happen to those who believe in themselves. 

Coming to UW Madison was a haven after my experiences in Kansas State. The program was completely paid for with full assistantship, had a wonderful mentor, and earned some of the best friendships. It was a great University with excellent student services that allowed me to explore many new activities (rock climbing, sailing, skiing, dancing, trekking, tennis). My time at Madison was one of the best in my entire stay in the US.  Do you think I would have appreciated all that I got at Madison, if I had similar opportunities at Kansas? 

Life had its surprises at Madison as well. After 2 years of working on my PhD thesis, the funds ran dry and my Professor changed my project completely to a new one. I had to start from square one all over again. It was 2 years of lost work! However with all that I had to go through, I sprinted forward with optimism and graduated in almost 6 years (another 4 years) with a patent up my sleeve and 2 publications. It was a roller coaster but was again all worth it. I earned a great partner in my husband who stood by me all through my PhD and graduated with 3 degrees in Business waiting for me.

My experiences and hardships in life have shaped the person I am today. I have the confidence that no matter what,  I can give my best and survive any adversity in life.  

Why move to India?

We had a very comfortable life in the US, secure jobs, a beautiful home, two cars, a dog and two girls. Life was too easy, especially for the kids. They just needed to get to the car from the garage to get chauffeured from Point A to B. Always protected from the sun, rain or snow; they hardly felt the elements unless they were going out camping or outdoor trekking for fun.  Outdoor activities were replaced by indoor games, less physical and social activities. Living in dust free environment, with very little pollution, they would never have built the immunity as we had growing up in India.

Living in independent houses, and living in a society that doesn’t barge into other’s privacy, parents schedule play dates and sleep overs for kids to interact and have a social life. Schools emphasize overall development with less stress on doing well in exams. There is more of complacency instead of competitiveness. Children are hardly disciplined the way our parents disciplined us. For example: Growing up we never were given a choice. Dinner was placed in front of us and we had to finish it. Today, we give our kids choices and they get to pick what they want to eat for dinner!  

Moving to India, our kids go by auto rickshaws to school (Pune bus service is not the best), study in an Indian school that believes in bringing up kids with proper discipline and yet with loads of fun.  The school has a set menu for lunch box that parents are to follow, and if we don’t, the children give us the reminder to stick to it. Even if we are late by 5 min to class, we are dismissed for the whole day from school. 

On Wednesdays, it is color dress day (not uniform day), but once we forgot and sent our child in Uniform. We were sent back to get a color dress immediately, just because the child should not feel odd amongst others. Each class at school is a strength of 60 students! Yet each student is given individual time such that if child is missing a hair band or a pony tail, a note is sent home to follow the rules.  This is the type of soft discipline that we have started to love about the school that is based on being consistent.  

We always travel by train (well we moved up to 3 tier AC), and have discovered India since we moved back. We have seen people in various walks of life, travellend in dusty buses, autos, and even crowded trains. Seeing poverty, kids begging on the streets, beggars, homelessness and destitute has hopefully taught our kids the value of home, life with a roof on top and the joys of just living a comfortable life. I have seen in them the urge to help the needy for they always want to give something to the poor when somebody asks for alms.  

Kids in our building play together every day or during the weekends. There is no need for play dates or sleep overs as they visit each other’s houses without invitation. There is constant team work during play as they build social and leadership skills and learn to deal with conflicts within their little community of friends. 

I make it a point to do many household chores ourselves with very little help of a maidservant. This is to inculcate the value of “swayamkrishi” - “self work” within our kids. Gandhiji ‘s rule in all his satyagraha  ashrams is the same in that no human is employed to do other’s chores. Once when we were cleaning our car, the neighbor’s kid came by and asked us innocently as to why we are cleaning our car. Don’t we have a driver or a servant to do the cleaning? Well, I said to him, that no, we did not and that we prefer to clean it ourselves. My kids helped me and then started cleaning their bicycles themselves. 

I want them to appreciate the comforts, lifestyle and education we provide them, especially when they see the underprivileged and find ways to live life to the fullest. In short, if my children learn to survive the competition in India and excel in what they do, I have the confidence they will survive anywhere in the world.